Wanting Out
by Princess of Creativity
Summary: Darry's had a lot to deal with in his years. Losing his parents tore away his further education. Losing their two best friends almost robbed his younger brother of his sanity; maybe the loss of his other brother will make him lose his.


**Disclaimer:** S.E. Hinton owns "The Outsiders". S. E. Hinton also owns the story title "That Was Then, This Is Now".

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The house was silent - a distant reminder of all that we'd lost in the last 5 years. First there was mom and dad, then Johnny and Dallas, now Sodapop. I banged my fist on the table. _Why us?_ We didn't do anything to anyone. _Why them?_ Apart from Dallas none of them were bad people and even he didn't deserve to get shot down.

Ponyboy's lying fast asleep, exhausted from the day - poor kid he didn't deserve this either.

I stared at the bottle of whiskey in front of me and the shot glass in my hand, I'd only had a few shots; I don't drink much, never have the time, working, cooking, taking care of Pone. But now he's getting older, growing up. He doesn't need a rock no more - he needs a brother. Something I forgot to be a long time ago.

I poured the sticky liquid into the glass and slugged the shot back. One little thing can change so many lives - _why?_ Because they're so weak that they can't take it anymore? I couldn't take it anymore - I felt too old when I was only 26. Guys my age still go out and party - pick up some chicks and then head home and get laid. Me? I wasn't interested. So what was it about the bottle that was interesting?

I saw what drinking did to a guy, it turned him, turned him bitter, mean, cruel. I didn't want that - but sometimes I just wanted to forget the shit things that life had thrown at us and just remember the good times when there were no problems and everything was normal. I felt some sort of sympathy for Steve's dad - maybe he just wanted to get out? Get away.

Pictures hung lifelessly in the house that everyone believed to be one of the rowdiest on the block. The guys didn't even share the same closeness that we all had a few years ago. Steve was fighting in the war, Two-Bit was a dad, Ponyboy was going to College, and me? I was working as usual; sure I had dates and girlfriends, what guy doesn't? But nothing could ever be the same as it used to be. I know that you can't go back in time and I remembered what I'd told Pony those years back _"you don't just stop living because you loose someone"._

It was true but now I needed someone saying some sense to me. I picked up the glass and glared at it. Tightening my grip around it I threw it as hard as I could against the near wall.

"Darry?" I heard Ponyboy's sleepy voice.

"Go back to bed, Pone," I mumbled.

I felt a few warm tears go down my face. Pull yourself together, Darry, Ponyboy needs you.

Ponyboy moved closer to me and put a comforting arm around my shoulders. "It's okay, Dar, we'll get through this," he told me.

I chuckled. "Yeah, Pone, sure we will."

"I'm being serious, Dar, we always make it. You can't just stop."

He picked up the whiskey bottle from the table. "And ya can't start drinking this."

"You ain't like that, Dar, you're a hell of a lot stronger than that."

The pep talk wasn't helping, not really. Ponyboy was a good kid, he'd never have to drink to forget, he'd fight through it. The kid had seen a lot, been through a lot in his 17 years.

"I used to be, Ponyboy, I sure used to be."

I watched his face turn worriedly, like he was looking at me for the first time or something.

"Come on, Darry, you're Superman." He grinned.

I didn't answer him as he tried to crack a smile. Just stared at the wall in front of me. Ponyboy pulled out another chair - not taking his eyes off of me.

"You want to talk, Dar?"

"There ain't nothing to talk about Pone." I got up and moved to the sink looking out of the window. "Things sure have changed around this place."

"They gotta change, Dar, everyone and everything has to change."

I chuckled. "When'd you get to being the one with all the answers?"

"When you stopped giving the right ones," he countered.

I bent my head and grabbed hard onto the edge of the counter.

"You ain't gonna change, right, Pone?" I spun around and looked at him. "You're still gonna be the same."

He sighed and put his head in his hands. "How much ya drink, Darry?"

I didn't answer him. "Course I'm going to change, everyone does but I ain't gonna leave you, Darry."

He got up from the table and crossed his arms - the kid had been working out and it was beginning to show.

"I worry about you, Dar," he said quietly.

"It's my job to worry about you!" I yelled.

I was loosing control and control was something that I always had when raising him and Soda. It reminded me that night when I'd hit Ponyboy. The control that I didn't have scared me - it scared me now.

"I'm sorry, Pone," I said no louder than a whisper.

He walked towards me and clasped his hand on my back. "We're going to be okay, Darry, I'm still here," he said firmly.

I sighed. "Not for long, Pone, you gonna go to college and get a job, you ain't gonna be around much longer."

"But I'm here now so stop worrying about then, we'll work it out, I'll stay local and get a job close."

I shook my head. "No, Pone, you need to get out, I always knew you would, so did Soda, Dallas, and Johnny, you aren't gonna stick around here like they did. I won't let you."

"I ain't going anywhere, Darry."

"You gotta go sometime, Pone."

Now I wasn't sure if we were talking about Sodapop, or Ponyboy's future.

"You can't make me, Dar," he began. "When ya'll say I'm made for better things you ever wonder what the hell I want?"

He should want to get out, that's all I ever wanted.

"You need to leave, Pone, I'm not gonna watch you get roped into this life like I did or like Two-Bit has."

We both knew Two-Bit was a lost cause from the start but having a kid at 21 wasn't the way I thought he'd go.

"I'm not like you, Dar, you can't push what you want on me because of what happened to Mom and Dad."

I had it all figured out. I was saving up some money part time roofing for college, I had my own place, own car, and then the crash happened and I had nothing. No career, no social life, and no future - all it took was one thing for everything to go wrong. I didn't mind taking on Soda and Pony, I had to, I wouldn't let them be taken away but I didn't know what I was doing then, I was in control and then suddenly I wasn't controlling anything anymore.

I sat back down and pulled my hands to the back of my head as rested my head on them.

"If only things could go back to the way they were," I said absently.

Ponyboy binned the broken glass after he picked them all up and looked at me.

"You can't change the past, Dar."

"We used to be real close, didn't we? The gang, Johnny, Dallas, Steve and Soda, heck, we don't even see Two-Bit any more."

He sighed loudly and ran his fingers through his hair.

"That was then, Dar, this is now."

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**Authors Note**: I can't even remember how many times I've re-done this one-shot but finally I am happy with the end result. All feedback is welcome.


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